Well... I did it.

So I went to work on Monday after sitting through conference with "questions" that I needed answered. The answers I kept getting were "I've already told you. If you want to have my spirit to be with you, follow the promptings that you have been given." And so... I quit my job. I sat in the office of a 5'5" Asian man and poured my heart out... about how I love Telos and the last thing I want to do is quit, but that it is what I felt was right. Well, he was definitely disappointed, and so was I. Quitting my job at Telos really isn't what I had wanted to do. He sat silently for a while (mind you I was quitting after giving a 2 year commitment when I got hired on to the position 6 months ago..) and then said, "Don't feel bad Janna. We will be sad to lose you. You were one of the best leads we have ever had." Now, I don't include this part of the story to toot my own horn or make myself look great, but it testified to me of the Savior's love for me and that the Lord really does understand our needs and offers tender mercies. Just hearing that simple phrase that let me know I had been doing a "good job" helped me feel better about leaving. I had been beating myself up, thinking that I wasn't good at my job, and that quitting was like failing-- quitting to have a baby would be to meet defeat. "Of COURSE I can manage a full time job and being a mother. I'm organized, I'm smart, I'm proactive. I can do it!!!" But sometimes its humbling to realize that the Lord has other plans for us.

I'll back up a little bit. About a month ago, or whenever that broadcast was, Tom went to the church early to find a seat and read his scriptures before the broadcast began. I, on the other hand, had just gotten called in to work at the last minute and was on my way to help an enraged parent who had come into town to visit his son. While Tom sat in the meeting, alone, he had a strong impression that I should quit my job and not work at Telos after I had the baby. He told me about this experience of course, and I just kind of thought "yeah right." There is no other way. Tom is in school, we have no money, we will have a baby to take care of--- I have to work! But I told him I would pray about it, and I did.

Well, it wasn't too long before I started receiving all kinds of answers. I soon realized that the way I was living my life now was not conducive to the type of wife and mother that I wanted to be. Although I'm only technically in the office for 40 hours a week, I found that there weren't often times in the day, even when I was alone with Tom, where my mind wasn't at work, or I wasn't hopping on the nearest laptop or my blackberry to check emails. I found (and still find, for the next 4.5 weeks..) a lot of satisfaction in being the "mom" to 13 teenage boys who struggle with anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use, bad relationships, etc. I have 14 staff who also "need" me to constantly train them and watch over them. But since becoming pregnant, I have often felt guilty for not being "the type of lead I should be." I had been kind of beating myself up for not being able to get in there and play around with the boys, work out with them, play soccer, get down and dirty, that sort of thing. Being pregnant, I just haven't had the energy to really get involved like I used to. Well, suddenly, sitting in conference it dawned on me that the regret I feel for not being able to horse around with a bunch of teenage boys will be nothing compared the regret I would feel for a lost childhood, for not being there for my son and teaching him the important aspects of the gospel, and building a loving relationship with him.

Now, I realize this is getting very long and detailed and I'll try to sum it up! I know some women need to work, and they make it work, and they are awesome mothers! So the last thing I want is for this post to sound like I am passing judgment on anyone else, because I am not (heck, my plan was to work full time...). But what I have learned and what has built my faith the most in these past few days is coming to realize the peace that one feels from following the promptings of the spirit. In this case, I had been receiving the right answer all along the way, but I just kept asking. I was letting fear guide me, rather than faith. And although its hard to see how it is all going to work out (seriously, girls, mathematically this all makes NO sense!), the Lord has taken care of me in the past and I know that if I live by faith he will continue to take care of me-- of us. I know that things will be okay. I know things won't be exactly how I want them to be.. but the Lord knows best. Putting my trust in him has been one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I know I did the right thing. And I feel peace.